How to Deal with Unbearable Colleagues

Colleagues you cannot bear

Last year the editor of HRZone published a few of my ideas on how to manage difficult people at work. One of the pieces became the magazine’s seventh most-read article of 2024. (Here’s Becky’s full list of 12 reads.)

The article’s popularity makes sense: after all, terrible colleagues are often the greatest obstacle to performance and satisfaction at work. A rotten boss or selfish team member can make life a misery, even after we return home.

Three categories of ‘difficult’

It’s easy to give up: we dread going to work; spend evenings railing with clenched fist; transfer to another team, or resign. But what if we want to move beyond feeling angry and hurt? Or nurture a productive relationship?

Here, it helps to understand the essence of the problem: colleagues whom we experience as ‘difficult’ fall into three broad categories.

First, we every day meet people who think differently, which can be a source of conflict in the workplace. I’ll reflect on this common experience in the next In Confidence email.

Second, we encounter bullying and acts of gross misconduct; some colleagues even break the law. Organisational policies are usually available to help us deal with such situations.

In today’s email, I look at the third group: unbearable colleagues are those who behave badly and yet may not be fired for their sins.

Being unbearable

We experience unbearable behaviour when a person:

– Falls short of the expectations of wider society;
– Fails to uphold corporate values or standards;
– Refuses to help out;
– Neglects the basics of leadership.

Such individuals are rude, now and again abusive; they ignore the standards of societal culture. They disregard the norms of the workplace or of their roles: they disrupt meetings, go off sick, miss deadlines, do terrible work.

Overall, insufferable colleagues are uncooperative, a burden to teams and an albatross to the organisation (the whole point of which is to have people work together). They neglect team members and their leadership obligations.

Clearly, these worries, and the real-life harms, may be aggravated when the unbearable individual has authority or other forms of power.

Strength of mind

Colleagues who think differently can ultimately be a source of inspiration (more on this next time). Bullies and their ilk may be managed via formal policy.

Unbearable colleagues refuse to play ball and yet are hard to discipline or remove from their posts. Over time, they cause disruption and strain, making you feel demotivated, even helpless.

When the relationship matters

Some unbearable relationships can be abandoned. Others, you may choose (or have) to invest in. When you commit to making things better, it is invaluable to develop your capacity to handle the situation and stay sane.

Three imperatives help you build strength of mind and make easier the task of reconciling with someone who behaves badly:

Recognise your agency – you may not be able to change an unbearable colleague’s behaviour, but you can control how you respond; you can also remain true to to your values in how you manage your half of the relationship.

Seek emotional support – venting to friends may help, although avoid gossip with other colleagues; trusted workplace mentors are useful; employee assistance programmes may be available. (And the local bar sells good gin.)

Discover fresh perspective – fractious relationships exert an awful toll. Still, relief may come from a shift in perspective: dialogue may bring reconciliation; the organisation may intervene; work and life bring richer opportunities.

This ‘background’ investment will give you more strength to rise above insufferable behaviours and remain constructive. It will also bolster your courage to insist on boundaries and safeguard your rightful interests.